Rules for Couples: Fighting Fair

Regardless of how much we love each other and work at our romantic relationship, there are bound to be arguments. We are two very different people trying to live one life together, after all. When fights do occur, it shouldn’t be a free-for-all. Just like every other “game” in life, there are rules to fighting that everyone in love should abide by if they want to remain in a happy relationship.

Choose Your Timing Carefully
As soon as your partner walks in the door from a long day at work is not the time to pounce on them to change their behavior. It can take real self-discipline to hold your tongue when you want to get something worked out right away, but waiting until everyone is in the right frame of mind to discuss a volatile situation is worth it. When we barge in without taking into consideration the mental state of the other person, we inevitably make the argument much larger than it needs to be.

Use “I” Language
We’ve all heard this, but it bears repeating. The other person is immediately on the defensive when a sentence starts with “You do ___ and I don’t like it….”  It’s just human nature because it feels like we are being attacked. But keep in mind that no one can make us feel anything - only we ourselves can do that. So, switch your “you’s” to “I’s.” Say something like, “I feel ___ when you do ___.” It’s not just semantics - to shows that you are in charge of your feelings. You are focusing on the feelings instead of the behavior you don’t like. This makes the other person feel safe enough to let down their guard and discuss the situation more rationally.

Focus On The Now
It’s so easy to get all worked up and start pulling out grievances from months or years past. Most people tend to argue about the same type of issue over and over. For example, money and parenting issues are common, even in the most loving relationships. Take care to avoid bringing up the past. And, if one of these slips out, apologize and come back to the current issue.

Never Say Never
This connects with the tip above. When you start throwing around words like always and never, you know you are in dangerous territory. It’s usually an overstatement that simply escalates the fight and does not accomplish anything, including rectifying the situation.

Hopefully your not in a relationship where you fight everyday like cats and dogs but to think even a perfect relationship is free of arguments or conflict would be naive. But as long as you can follow these simple rules and always remember to keep an underlying tone of respect in the argument then you will be able to overcome and grow through almost any conflict you encounter with your partner.

When all else fails.. walk away, take some CBD and continue the conversation at a later time when you both have cooled down and have come to a clearer perspective. ​🤗

JMP

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